Understand your partner's money personality

It is an interesting dynamic of couplehood: most people choose a partner whose "money personality" is exactly the opposite of their own—and, says Olivia Mellan, a money psychology specialist, if they don't, they will actually create each other's opposite over time.

Mellan, president of Olivia Mellan & Associates Inc. in Washington D.C., has years of experience in money conflict resolution. She says two people in a relationship will always drift towards opposite money personalities, taking on different roles.

"For example, a spender will marry a saver," she says. "And if two spenders marry, one will gravitate towards the role of super-spender while the other will learn to hoard."

Similarly, a money worrier will choose a money avoider—or if both people begin as worriers, over time one of them will lapse into avoidance while the other worries even more.

In her book, Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships, Mellan describes a variety of money opposites. Some of the most common types are:

•   Spenders who choose hoarders
      
•  Worriers who choose avoiders
      
•  Planners who choose dreamers
      
•  Mergers who choose separatists

Mergers, she says, are usually men, who are motivated by romance to pursue as much union as possible—so they want one joint bank account. Women are more likely to be the separatists, insisting on managing some of their own funds. Mellan says this stems from gender-specific relationship challenges: for men, it is difficult to merge, and money is one place where they can; and for women, preserving a healthy degree of autonomy in the midst of intimacy is the challenge.

Mellan's book offers a 20-question quiz to help you determine your money personality and that of your spouse, with suggestions for resolving conflicts. Her quiz is not available online, but you can find another one here: http://myvesta.org/tests/moneypersonality/default.htm. Another interesting description of common money styles is at http://www.howmuchisenough.ca/attitude/index.asp, the website belonging to Diane McCurdy, author of How Much is Enough? Balancing Today's Needs with Tomorrow's Retirement Goals.

Peaceful compromise is possible
When two opposites marry, or after two similar personalities marry and then disperse to their opposing camps, a power struggle phase ensues, says Mellan. "This is where people lock in and attack each other."

To thaw relations and make some progress, says Mellan, both partners need to acknowledge what they envy or appreciate about the other person's money style. This is challenging for many couples because most people are afraid of the consequences.

"For instance, a hoarder will worry that if he voices appreciation for something about the spender's style, they'll start spending even more. A spender would worry that the hoarder will respond by trying harder to control spending."

She prescribes doing "one action each week" that's more like your partner's style, and monitoring your progress.

And it's a great idea, she says, for some couples to see a fee-only financial planner for a complete "financial physical."

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